Friday, May 10, 2013

COH: $153.30

EBT: $147.69

Phone: 272.40

Visa: $35.62

Laundry: $0.50

Weather: 67°F thunderstorm

Mood: ok

Weight: 271 lbs.

Work was cancelled today because of rain. I swept the entire house today, including under the refrigerator and stove because it was full of dust, debris, and roaches. I got it all clean, though. Then, I started washing clothes, ate, and washed the dishes. Mills came by for a second to get something, and payed my $75 for the 2 and 1/2 days I worked. He actually payed me $80, and I gave him $5 in change. Again, what started out as a stressful, bad day is turning into something better later. I would say I got done what I needed to get done today. Maybe it's the weather, but I have been feeling down lately. Although, when Amadeo and Dawn stopped by, my mood got better and I was finally motivated to do chores like I had planned to since this morning, but previously lacked the energy, motivation, and focus to do it.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

COH: $58.80

EBT: $147.69

Phone: 278.80

Visa: $35.62

Laundry: $0.00

Weather: 75°F mostly cloudy

Mood: ok

Weight: 275 lbs.

Today at work, we broke down more wall sections, brought slats to the front, cleaned up plaster upstairs, and put it in the dumpster.

Today was blah. I woke up at 11:00am and was already late for work (at 10:00am). I don't know why,because I was in bed for midnight. Either I need more sleep, or I am not getting restful sleep. Who knows?

I got up, took my meds, called Amadeo, and did my morning routine. I figured it was better late than never, and better to show up late than not at all. Today, unlike yesterday, my earplugs fit just right and had little to no pain. It could be because I wore my retainer again last night, thus having straighter teeth/jaw, because I didn't push them as far in and thus less pressure on my jaw joint, or both. Nonetheless, I will get out of the habit of putting them in too far. It is done out of stress and fear that the earplugs won't seal correctly and not protect me as much, but truth be told they did fine today and had less pressure.

I got paid half a day today, which is fair because I only worked half a day. I got there at about 1:00pm, and Ben had just got there, too. Mills had gone to Lowe's to pick up more lumber, so we got started right away. Ben used the reciprocating saw to cut more wall sections out, then I went behind him and demolished the slats. After that, we hauled all the slats to the front. I put the small pieces in buckets, while Ben got the longer pieces by hand.

Once that was done, Mills had come back. Ben told me and Mills that he was late because he was avoiding the police for some reason. I told Mills I had woken up late, which was what happened. He was not happy that I did not call or answer his call, and would rather that I have called. I was ashamed of being late, plus I didn't want to waste any more time getting to work. From now on, I will call him when I am running late, no matter what. That is the best way.

Mills was pissed and chewed me out a little bit in the afternoon. As much as it bothered me, I did not talk back because 1) I felt like I deserved it for being late, 2) I didn't want to talk back to my boss out of respect, and 3) It would have solved nothing anyway. I didn't want to waste my time and energy for nothing, getting nowhere. \

Ben left early, so it was only us two working. I was getting tired and irritated. I am not kidding when I say I was having thoughts of giving up altogether, and thoughts of suicide, such as "What am I even here for?" "Why do I deserve to live?" I honestly felt like a fuck up this afternoon. No matter what, it always seems I mess up and let people down, despite my best efforts. It's like my body lets me down when I oversleep, be late for things, or cannot handle as much as others.

I hate having Apserger's/Autism sometimes. It is so frustrating being limited to what I can do, and yet to others I look just fine, so they just think I am being lazy. Thus, I have to prove to them that I am not, and it almost always involves overworking myself, or being pushed to do more than I can handle. With Mills, it was no different than with Amadeo (in the past) and with most others. For instance, he has been pushing me to carry two buckets full of plaster, or in the past 3-4 pieces lumber instead of say, 2. Mills works out and lifts weights. I don't, and even though I am larger than him, my arms are rather weak and I cannot lift much. This is not unlike Amadeo expecting me to pick up/pull down that heavy ass Murphy bed of his, haha. I was literally on the verge of physical and mental breakdown.

Realizing this, instead of overheating like in Excite Bike for NES, I cooled my jets. I stopped or slowed down, took deep breaths, worked more slowly so I would not haste and therefore mess up, and just kept working. I used all my anger and frustration in a positive way, and took it out on what I was doing. I used my extra burst of energy and strength to lob the heavy buckets full of plaster of the top of the dumpster, when before, I was struggling to do so. They were freaking heavy! >.<

Anyhow, instead of breaking down and being destructive, I held on and kept pushing, albeit at a slower, less grueling pace. I managed to make it, and I think Mills was proud of me by the end of the day. We got it done, got the tools packed up, and he gave me a Lowe's hat. I certainly don't mind getting another hat! :) In fact, I will start wearing as my "work hat" like I was Dale from King of the Hill or something :P I felt in that moment that what happened and what I had done was cathartic enough so put in my blog, so I did. That's what Amadeo say if I told him what happened. He would say something like "Awesome! That's great. You should post about it on your blog." After all, the purpose of this blog is to document my everyday progress, and that I think is certainly progress. It's a "small victory" like that Faith No More song. :)

Anyway, I'd say it was a bad day gone good. I will do even better tomorrow. I can't wait to go to therapy on Monday. Maybe it's what I need in these times when I am not doing as well as I have been. And with that, I say good night. I will eat supper and chat with Dyanis later. :)

P.S. I got some things from Dollar General after work, and Dawn cooked supper while all of us talked.

Friday April 5, 2013

COH: $1.36
EBT: $137.14
Phone: 158.20
Visa: $0.62
Laundry: $1.25
Weather: 66•F sunny
Mood: pretty good :)

Earlier today was rough. I didn't get enough sleep last night because there was a movie on until about 2:00am. I didn't eat breakfast because I didn't go to the grocery store yet.

My care insurance was cancelled, and Amadeo tried to call Farm Bureau and see what he could do about it. At around 11:40am, he called and wanted me to go to the DMV to see about any fees or suspensions on my driver's license. I didn't have a ride to go there, so he got Justin Mills to pick me up with my bike and I would ride back.

Justin got here early, so I wasn't ready yet. I told him I would be a few minutes, and moved with purpose to get ready. We went outside, and I went to put my bike in the back of his truck. I slipped and busted my left shin trying to do so. The noise of traffic and construction right across the street was very nerve wracking for me.

We get in the truck, and Justin starts driving. I begin to have a sharp pain in my ears to to the foam earplugs pressure on my mandibular (jaw) joints. It got worse until I am in excruciating pain, and can hardly do anything except breathe and try to endure the pain.

Amadeo calls Justin, and asks to speak to me. At this point, I was in so much pain, I could not think clearly or talk, so I told Justin I was in a lot of pain and asked for Amadeo to call back later. He agrees. Meanwhile, I am tired and going hungry, and have the stress of this car insurance/license/ticket basket case that I have not thought about in a long time so I could keep my sanity. There's nothing I can do about it now, so why work myself up for nothing?

Anyway, all of this stress and pressure builds up, and I start hyperventilating. It gets worse and worse until my blood begins to feel like sand in my veins. It keeps getting worse and worse until I start crying out in agony, and start screaming occasionally just because I couldn't bear the pain any longer.

At times, I opened my eyes, but with all the other stress and distractions, the rough ride just added to my stress, so I closed them right after. This happened several times. I then began convulsing and Justin told me to calm down. However, the stress was too much for me, and I couldn't. I was having an autistic meltdown. I nearly blacked out completely. I continued to convulse, but Justin stayed quiet and kept driving.

By the time we got to the DMV, I was shook up worse than I had ever been before. It was like the time I had a meltdown at the drug testing center before getting a job at the Lafayette Grand 16 Theater in 2005, expect much worse. The nurses had to tranquilize me by opening a couple packets of gas in my face that made me calm down, and put me in a chair sipping a Dr. Pepper through a straw. This time though, I didn't have the luxury of getting tranquilized this time, so I continued to suffer.

At this point, Justin was trying to calm me down, but I had already lost control of myself. Frustrated with my own limitations, and embarrassed that this was happening in front of Justin, I kept saying how I wish I were dead, and that I can't handle everyday life, so I don't deserve to live. Just replied by saying that's not true and there are people who love me, like Amadeo.

It was hard, but I eventually got to the point where I could explain what happened. I told him what an Autistic meltdown was, and how I was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder several months ago. He said Amadeo told him about it, so he had at least a little understanding of it. I told him how it was all these different stress factors building up and eventually overcoming me. I explained how it may look very strange and even like a temper tantrum to the untrained eye, but the base motivation is completely different; it is caused from an overload of stress.

I told him that I hadn't eaten anything today, and he offered to go pick me up some food. We talked out the details, he drew me a map of how to get home, and I got my bike out and headed to the DMV. Justin went to pick up some food for me. I told him I he didn't have to, but I was very grateful that he did.

I went inside, and the lady at the desk told me there were no fees, suspensions or barriers of any kind on my driving record. It was weird, because I was expecting there would be a suspension, fees, and tickets on there, but she said there was nothing. She then gave me a number to wait in line to renew my license. I couldn't afford to renew it, but I stayed there and waited my turn to get seen anyway, especially since I just got there after a stressful trip. Amadeo called, and I told him that they couldn't find anything, but we agreed that I should wait in line to talk to someone else just to make sure.

Meanwhile, Justin brought me back a cheeseburger, fries, and soft drink from McDonald's. He made sure I was ok before he left. The food hit the spot just right. I ate outside as not to make a mess indoors, and I kept checking the screen to make sure I didn't miss my turn.

Eventually, I got to see the guy at the counter and he told me the same thing: that he did not see anything remarkable on my driver's license record. I asked if I could have a copy of my driver's license status for my own records, but he couldn't give it to me I'm assuming because he wasn't allowed. Instead, he gave me the phone number and website to where I could get it myself. I then called Amadeo back, told him what happened, and began heading home.

The ride home was not as bad, nor as long as I thought it would be. It was a bit longer than going to the coffee shop, but less far than the house party I went to on Dec 21 of last year. That was in Lakeview. When I get back to Carrollton and Canal, I remember that I needed to go grocery shopping, so I went Rouse's while I was already out and on that side of town. I got my groceries, took them home, put them away, and went to Dollar General for a few more things.

I get home, put away the groceries, and come out to post my daily blog entry. I was feeling much better by then, but I still remember how shook up I was, and felt burnt out from the event. Later, Amadeo and Mills come home and we hang out for a while. I went outside and began finishing this blog post by typing out the body and details of what happened today. I chatted with Dyanis a little but, but she had to go and we plan to chat tomorrow between 1:30-2:30pm.

Despite the rough time I had this morning, the day got better and better, and I can honestly say that it was worth it. I was very stressed for a while, but now I see that even in the worst of times, I can still make it through! :) Not to mention, at least now I know more about what's going on with my car insurance and driver's license, so I don't have to stress about those anymore; at least not for a while.