Thursday, May 9, 2013

COH: $58.80

EBT: $147.69

Phone: 278.80

Visa: $35.62

Laundry: $0.00

Weather: 75°F mostly cloudy

Mood: ok

Weight: 275 lbs.

Today at work, we broke down more wall sections, brought slats to the front, cleaned up plaster upstairs, and put it in the dumpster.

Today was blah. I woke up at 11:00am and was already late for work (at 10:00am). I don't know why,because I was in bed for midnight. Either I need more sleep, or I am not getting restful sleep. Who knows?

I got up, took my meds, called Amadeo, and did my morning routine. I figured it was better late than never, and better to show up late than not at all. Today, unlike yesterday, my earplugs fit just right and had little to no pain. It could be because I wore my retainer again last night, thus having straighter teeth/jaw, because I didn't push them as far in and thus less pressure on my jaw joint, or both. Nonetheless, I will get out of the habit of putting them in too far. It is done out of stress and fear that the earplugs won't seal correctly and not protect me as much, but truth be told they did fine today and had less pressure.

I got paid half a day today, which is fair because I only worked half a day. I got there at about 1:00pm, and Ben had just got there, too. Mills had gone to Lowe's to pick up more lumber, so we got started right away. Ben used the reciprocating saw to cut more wall sections out, then I went behind him and demolished the slats. After that, we hauled all the slats to the front. I put the small pieces in buckets, while Ben got the longer pieces by hand.

Once that was done, Mills had come back. Ben told me and Mills that he was late because he was avoiding the police for some reason. I told Mills I had woken up late, which was what happened. He was not happy that I did not call or answer his call, and would rather that I have called. I was ashamed of being late, plus I didn't want to waste any more time getting to work. From now on, I will call him when I am running late, no matter what. That is the best way.

Mills was pissed and chewed me out a little bit in the afternoon. As much as it bothered me, I did not talk back because 1) I felt like I deserved it for being late, 2) I didn't want to talk back to my boss out of respect, and 3) It would have solved nothing anyway. I didn't want to waste my time and energy for nothing, getting nowhere. \

Ben left early, so it was only us two working. I was getting tired and irritated. I am not kidding when I say I was having thoughts of giving up altogether, and thoughts of suicide, such as "What am I even here for?" "Why do I deserve to live?" I honestly felt like a fuck up this afternoon. No matter what, it always seems I mess up and let people down, despite my best efforts. It's like my body lets me down when I oversleep, be late for things, or cannot handle as much as others.

I hate having Apserger's/Autism sometimes. It is so frustrating being limited to what I can do, and yet to others I look just fine, so they just think I am being lazy. Thus, I have to prove to them that I am not, and it almost always involves overworking myself, or being pushed to do more than I can handle. With Mills, it was no different than with Amadeo (in the past) and with most others. For instance, he has been pushing me to carry two buckets full of plaster, or in the past 3-4 pieces lumber instead of say, 2. Mills works out and lifts weights. I don't, and even though I am larger than him, my arms are rather weak and I cannot lift much. This is not unlike Amadeo expecting me to pick up/pull down that heavy ass Murphy bed of his, haha. I was literally on the verge of physical and mental breakdown.

Realizing this, instead of overheating like in Excite Bike for NES, I cooled my jets. I stopped or slowed down, took deep breaths, worked more slowly so I would not haste and therefore mess up, and just kept working. I used all my anger and frustration in a positive way, and took it out on what I was doing. I used my extra burst of energy and strength to lob the heavy buckets full of plaster of the top of the dumpster, when before, I was struggling to do so. They were freaking heavy! >.<

Anyhow, instead of breaking down and being destructive, I held on and kept pushing, albeit at a slower, less grueling pace. I managed to make it, and I think Mills was proud of me by the end of the day. We got it done, got the tools packed up, and he gave me a Lowe's hat. I certainly don't mind getting another hat! :) In fact, I will start wearing as my "work hat" like I was Dale from King of the Hill or something :P I felt in that moment that what happened and what I had done was cathartic enough so put in my blog, so I did. That's what Amadeo say if I told him what happened. He would say something like "Awesome! That's great. You should post about it on your blog." After all, the purpose of this blog is to document my everyday progress, and that I think is certainly progress. It's a "small victory" like that Faith No More song. :)

Anyway, I'd say it was a bad day gone good. I will do even better tomorrow. I can't wait to go to therapy on Monday. Maybe it's what I need in these times when I am not doing as well as I have been. And with that, I say good night. I will eat supper and chat with Dyanis later. :)

P.S. I got some things from Dollar General after work, and Dawn cooked supper while all of us talked.