Thursday, May 23, 2013

COH: $40.64

EBT: $110.99

Phone: 263.20

Visa: $1.97

Laundry: $10.00

Weather: 84•F sunny and cloudy 

Mood: depressed 

Weight: 274 lbs.

By now, I can surely say that I am depressed. I took Abilify this morning hoping it would help, because I am tired of feeling this way.

I lack energy, drive, motivation, and focus  to do anything these days, not just work. I move like a zombie and feel like I have a ball and chain tied around my ankle. To do anything requires all of what little effort I can put forth, and at best I am as slow as trying to run underwater. I feel tired and down all the time and I hate it. 

I am going to see the doctor as soon as he can squeeze me in his schedule, but that could take weeks. In the meantime, I feel useless and frustrated because I am letting everybody down (Mills, Amadeo), but I don't mean to. This is something beyond my control for the most part.

Feeling like it's better late than never, I went into work from 3:45 to 5:45 today. I scraped paint off of doors, and swept.

I need more help than can be given to me at this time. Outside of therapy and seeing my case worker, I feel like a turtle on its back; all on my own and helpless no matter what I do. It feels like I am going to be stuck like this forever, only getting worse and not better.

All I can do for now is try my best to stay on track, keep taking Abilify, and wait to see my therapist, doctor, and case worker again.

Friday, May 17, 2013

COH: $69.37

EBT: $134.24

Phone: 135.40

Visa: $1.97

Laundry: $10.00

Weather: 81•F sunny

Mood: frustrated with myself

Weight: 278 lbs.

I am frustrated with myself. I am sleeping 12-14 hours a day and keep missing work, even when I go to bed early. I wake up and I still feel tired, have a lack of energy, and can do very little physical work.

I do not want to be like this. I do not want to miss work. I feel like I am letting everybody down, but I don't mean to. For some reason, this is the best I can do right now. I am not making this up, faking it, or exaggerating. This is a very real thing.

This has got to be because of depression. I am taking my meds as usual, but I think something is missing since I got off Abilify. On that, I was basically manic where I couldn't sit still for more than a second, but now I am the other extreme: depressive with low energy level and low functioning.

Anya said I should not have to choose between those extremes, and that there should be a middle ground somehow. Dr. Calhoun said I could get on a lower dose of Abilify, but I would need to talk to him again first. Anya wants me to be on something else that has the benefits of Abilify minus the side effects such as restlessness. Unfortunately, I don't know if such a drug exists. I just want to find resolution with this. Maybe I could even take half a pill of Abilify every other day, but I still have to get in touch with the doctor and clear it with him first. 

On the bright side, I got up and got some chores done today, including washing the white clothes and towels.