Thursday, July 18, 2013

COH: $20.00

EBT: $200.68

Phone: 201.40

Visa: $0.93

Laundry: $15.00

Weather: 76°F thunderstorms

Mood: pretty good

Weight: 270 lbs

Yesterday, I played Magic at Maik's. It was ok. I won one game and lost the rest. I go there more to see my friends than to play a game. We had Lebanese food for dinner and they invited me to a birthday celebration on Saturday for Andrew and Sam. I think I will go.

Today, Amadeo was upset with me because I haven't been calling him in the morning, but I called him today. I just have been feeling so depressed. I showered, shaved, and clean my teeth. Later, after drying off, I put in earplugs, got dressed, then headed outside. I took the street car to my therapy session with Courtney Olds, because my bike tire went flat AGAIN. This was my last session with her, since I cannot afford to pay for

any more sessions. It went very well, and she said she will give Anya things to work on with me. Courtney is so nice! :) I see Anya on Monday at 12:00 at last! Therapy has been great with Courtney, but it will be nice to have Anya back again. She is so understanding and helpful, and in her own words, "directive". haha. I will feel safe and sound with Anya there for me again. I can't wait until Monday.

Anyway, I used my day pass once more to bus it over to CC's to post this blog. Sam invited me to Kyle's to play Magic, but I declined. I am burnt out on MTG, plus my bike tire is flat. Later on, I will bus it back home and go to bed. If it rains, I am prepared with my umbrella, the cover from the bus stop, and the bus itself. I will do my best to stay dry! :P

I am on a lower dose of Abilify now (2.5 mg), so I don't feel jittery, but I feel slower and more depressed. I think I am at a happy medium now, however. I can manage with this, at least for now.

                                   

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

COH: $64.00

EBT: $200.68

Phone: 87.20

Visa: $0.93

Laundry: $15.00

Weather: 85°F sunny and partly cloudy

Mood: meh

Weight: 270 lbs

I didn't get to post yesterday because my bike tire was flat, but I got it fixed. Yesterday, Caitlin took me to my psychiatrist appointment and he lowered my dose of Abilify from 7.5mg to 5mg. We will see how that works and I come back in 8 weeks to see him again. 

Today, Caitlin brought me to my interview with Tivoli place apartments. I didn't have a valid ID, so I was rescheduled to come back on August 7th. Bummer. We went to the DMV and it turns out I have no insurance on my car, and a $250 fee for not paying it, AND I can't get my license now. DOUBLE bummer. Next week, we will try to get a state ID since I can't get my license. 

When I got home, I warmed up some spaghetti and ate. I also took my bird cages out to wash them. After that, I came to CC's to post my blog. Amadeo called me to see how I was doing and now here we are.

I feel like shit and don't feel like doing anything, but at the same time, I can't stand doing nothing. I hate feeling like this. I am going to chat with Dyanis later and then when I leave here, I will go home, bring my birds in, and get ready for bed.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

COH: $152.00

EBT: $43.88

Phone: 217.40

Visa: $0.93

Laundry: $1.50

Weather: 82°F sunny and partly cloudy

Mood: ok

Weight: 283 lbs.

Amadeo got pissed at me for sleeping during the day yesterday. I was honestly very tired. I had cleaned the refrigerator and took a shower, which took energy out of me. He probably thinks this is the "first straw" to "junkie behavior", but little does he know this does not affect my schedule. I will still be home for 10:00 and in bed for 11:00. I do not stay out late anymore. In fact, I go to a different cafe to make sure I get home on time. Here we go again with him being mad at me. 

At the same time, I do need something to do during the day, though. Maybe I should go back to work with Mills. If I do, though, I can't post blogs on Wednesdays because I can't carry my cards and my laptop at the same time. There simply is not enough room and it is too much to carry. And if I don't go to Wednesday night Magic, well there goes my social life. I don't know what to do. My life is so fucking hard and complicated, even with the littlest things. I really fucking hate having Asperger's Syndrome. There are days that I would rather having just about anything else disabling me, but alas, I can't change it. I guess I will just have to suffer for the rest of my miserable life. :/

Today from noon to 3:00, I went to a NAMI picnic in City Park. The food was good and I got to meet some new people. Now I am posting this blog at CC's. Later, I will go to Maik's to play Magic. 

I hate how I feel on this medicine. I am restless, anxious, fidgety, and can't calm down for a second. It's like I have Parkinson's Disease. I wish I could just eliminate the side effect or better yet stop taking it altogether and take something else for my depression.

                                     

     

Sunday, June 23, 2013

COH: $180.00

EBT: $124.51

Phone: 212.60

Visa: $0.93

Laundry: $8.00

Weather: 94°F sunny

Mood: ok, restless

Weight: 283 lbs.

Today, Dawn made breakfast: banana pancakes and bacon. It was delicious. Afterwards, I washed the dishes, took care of the cat, and brought my birds outside to clean their cages. I walked around for a bit before coming to CC's to post this blog. Later at 5:00, I have an appointment with an Asperger's specialist. I am anxious and can't wait. This Abilify is killing me with restlessness, and I hardly have the patience to stay still long enough to do anything, but I keep taking it anyway. I was told by both therapists Anya and Courtney to exercise off the extra energy. I hate working out, but I love walking and riding my bike. I walked to City Park and back yesterday, and did some walking and riding today. It helps a little bit to burn off the energy even though my restlessness is always present. Until tomorrow...

                                   

Saturday, June 22, 2013

COH: $120.00

EBT: $124.51

Phone: 213.20

Visa: $0.93

Laundry: $8.00

Weather: 86°F sunny

Mood: ok, restless, stressed

Weight: 283 lbs.

I went into work today and sanded part of a door. I was going to sweep up a bunch of rooms, but I could not take it anymore. I was by myself, overwhelmed, and could not bring myself to do any more work. Not wanting to let Mills down and not waste his time, and realizing that I was basically useless today as far as lacking motivation and energy to do the work, I left and told him I quit. 

I later talked to him and told him what happened. He is fine with it and even will let me back if I want to come back. I don't know what is going on with me. I don't feel right in my mind, and it is just weird. I have no patience to do hardly anything anymore, yet I feel like I have to be constantly moving. I think it is the Abilify making me fel this way. It sucks, but I don't want to dive into depression again like the last time I stopped taking it.

Amadeo was not happy, and he felt that without a job, I would fall of track and have a reverse sleep schedule again (up all night, sleep all day). I would like to think that with my new proposed schedule via the contract, I have something to hold onto to keep me on track. I understand his worries, though. I will do my best not to fall of track. Who knows? I might get another job or go back with Mills, but right now, I can't handle the job anymore. 

Not knowing what else to do, I tried calling Sasha to see if she could use a cleaning helper, but she didn't answer. I also called and scheduled an appointment with an Asperger's specialist: Courtney Olds. She was the only one of several that answered my call and called me back. I go tomorrow at 5:00pm and it will cost me $40. I hope it goes well and helps me. I am willing to pay for 3 sessions out of pocket like this, because that's how many the lady said I would need to really get help with my condition. I may even see her in the future if I make more money. Anya is a great therapist, but I feel like I need the specialist for my Asperger's. I told her about the Abilify and she suggested that I get more exercise. I suppose I could walk and ride my bike more to burn off the energy during the day.

The rest of the afternoon, I took the birds outside and washed the dishes. Then, I helped Dawn sweep and mop the floor, and then she started cooking. She went to get a burger at Rally's to hold her over while I watched the cooking pot for her. When they got back, I came here to post the blog and get directions to my appointment tomorrow, The rest of the night, I will bring my birds in and get ready for bed so I can stay on track. 

                                      

Thursday, May 30, 2013

COH: $57.16

EBT: $51.72

Phone: 86.60

Visa: $0.93

Laundry: $10.00

Weather: 84•F sunny and cloudy

Mood: fatigued 

Weight: 276 lbs.

This morning I got up at 9, even though I was off today. I did my morning routine, then I cleaned my bird cages. I just finished and it was exhausting. I also went to Dollar General for a few things, namely a scrub brush.

Later, I have therapy. I hope it goes well. Yesterday, Ben told me it looked like the Abilify was working, because I am more energetic and focused now, while before, I was like a zombie. It's good to know when other people notice my progress. It's also good to know that my medicine is doing its job, and that it is not a matter of sheer willpower to get things done when you are clinically depressed.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

COH: $40.64

EBT: $110.99

Phone: 263.20

Visa: $1.97

Laundry: $10.00

Weather: 84•F sunny and cloudy 

Mood: depressed 

Weight: 274 lbs.

By now, I can surely say that I am depressed. I took Abilify this morning hoping it would help, because I am tired of feeling this way.

I lack energy, drive, motivation, and focus  to do anything these days, not just work. I move like a zombie and feel like I have a ball and chain tied around my ankle. To do anything requires all of what little effort I can put forth, and at best I am as slow as trying to run underwater. I feel tired and down all the time and I hate it. 

I am going to see the doctor as soon as he can squeeze me in his schedule, but that could take weeks. In the meantime, I feel useless and frustrated because I am letting everybody down (Mills, Amadeo), but I don't mean to. This is something beyond my control for the most part.

Feeling like it's better late than never, I went into work from 3:45 to 5:45 today. I scraped paint off of doors, and swept.

I need more help than can be given to me at this time. Outside of therapy and seeing my case worker, I feel like a turtle on its back; all on my own and helpless no matter what I do. It feels like I am going to be stuck like this forever, only getting worse and not better.

All I can do for now is try my best to stay on track, keep taking Abilify, and wait to see my therapist, doctor, and case worker again.

Sunday April 21, 2013

COH: $30.54
EBT: $103.19
Phone: 202.80
Visa: $0.62
Laundry: $2.00
Weather: 66•F sunny
Mood: a little antsy but good

I took my parakeets outside, went for a walk today and stopped at the Bean Gallery. We are going to play Magic at Sam's place @ 5:00 today. Maik, Lou, and Michelle will be joining us. It will be great.

Today is the first day I stopped taking Abilify. I could not take the restlessness it gives me. I still feel jittery because it has a long half life. It's ok because the doctor said I could stop taking it if I wanted to. I think it's for the best. I can't live my life not being able to sit still for 2 seconds. I am better off without it.

Monday April 15, 2013

COH: $12.82
EBT: $121.79
Phone: 82.20
Visa: $0.62
Laundry: $1.75
Weather: 73•F rainy and cloudy
Mood: jittery still, but feeling better.

Went to therapy today, and it was great. The solution to my restlessness is to stay cool, drink plenty of water, exercise to burn off excess energy, and drop down to 1/2 a pill of Abilify every day. I cut the pills for the rest of the week and put them in a newly bought daily dose container. I was advised by one of the worker's at New Hope to get one, and I agree, because it helps me remember if I have taken my dose that day or not.

I cleaned the bird cages today, as well as some other things. I walked alot, too.

Yesterday, Amadeo and I watched "The Story of Luke", a film about a young man with autism who is trying to get a job, girlfriend, and fit in with the rest of the world. Alot of the content in the movie applied to me, and Amadeo gained a greater understanding of what I go through after he watched the movie. For that, I am grateful, because he cares enough to research my condition. We talked a bunch during breaks in the movie, and we got alot of communication through to each other. It was great! :)