COH: $78.25
EBT: $134.24
Phone: 191.40
Visa: $1.97
Laundry: $10.00
Weather: 81•F sunny
Mood: frustrated, pissed, stressed
Weight: 267 lbs.
Slept late and didn't go to work today. Got in an argument with Amadeo on the phone over the same old shit. As usual, it went nowhere but turned into a fight. I hung up, then he blew up my phone with a bunch of angry texts.
We don't see eye to eye. I can't get through to him and his "tough love" and anger are certainly not getting through to me. If Amadeo wants to see me succeed, then why does he do things that interfere with my functioning such as smoking in the house, leaving the tv on until late at night, having guests over 24/7, and staying up late at night partying or working on something? Does he not realize that I am autistic like Luke from that movie, and that my routine is so delicate that even one late night is enough to screw it all up? If has been one year, and he still can't or just chooses not to understand that. Instead, he just gets angry, says I don't appreciate anything he does for me, blames everything on me, claims that I am trying to blame everything on him when I'm not, claims that I am trying to worm my way out of responsibility, that I am a master manipulator just like mom, that I am just making excuses...the list goes on and on. Will it take another year for him to finally see that I am not making this up? Will he realize that in order to function properly, that I need to have exactly the right conditions, and that not only am I not just being picky, but that getting angry about it and wishing/forcing me to do otherwise is not going to change or help anything? No, he simply pulls the "I can do whatever I want in my house" card every fucking time like a child, and yet again we get nowhere. We just keep butting heads. Amadeo's wa ts interfere with my needs, and in order to do what he wants, he basically has to be like "to hell with Sergio, I'll do what I want" no matter how much it affects me, stresses me out, and screws up my routine.
I know he cares, but whether he realizes it or not, he like like Judas: he gives me a kiss, then he betrays me. He claims to care about me not getting off track, then demands I be in by 10 and in bed by 11, by threat of kicking me out, yet other nights he keeps me up past midnight. I don't think he realizes that he is setting me up for failure.
I admit, lately I have been coming home late because I stay at the coffee shop. But that is only to get out and away from the stress. I would not be able to sleep if I was in on time anyway, because the tv would be on. He accuses me of practicing "junkie behavior" while he smokes frequently and won't even step outside to do so. At times, I feel like I have never met a bigger hypocrite in my life, but whatever.
I can come home and be in bed on time. I have no problem with that, but if Amadeo keeps me up late, there is no way he can say it's my fault or I didn't try. Beyond doing my part, if I can't get up in the morning, then it's his fault. I blame it on him. He needs to do his part and follow the contract too, or at least not interfere with me trying to follow it. It's not fair to me if he puts stumbling blocks in my way, and then blames me when I fall. My everyday life is hard enough as it is. I don't need anybody making it harder for me.
Anyway, now I am at Maik's playing Magic. I will be mindful of the time tonight, but if that tv is on past 11 or Amadeo and Dawn are still up, that is their problem, not mine. In fact the next time he pulls a late night, I will remind him of what time it is and about him getting pissed that I get off track with my sleep schedule. It's not always my fault.
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